The waves come over you, the water washes over every part of your body, like a heart attack the droplets cover your mouth.
Unable to breathe, a fish in a tank you see the world around you. You see the emotions flowing in others as they once circulated your own body.
Before it all happened, somehow the flow became quiet the waves turned into small shards of glass and your skin was cut.
As the knife pierces the perfectly cooked steak you feel that pain rise.
How bad will it be this time? You have been here before, felt this pain before. And like the storm ahead you can see the sky turning dark.
You see the glimmer of hope that comes into the view. Your heart slows and you know, even in this, even through this there will be an ‘after’ this.
The words of persistence, determination and perseverance flood your screen as you seek for clarity.
Bumper stickers, song lyrics and numbness overtake your frontal cortex. The words no longer seem to matter, the actions no longer seem to hold weight. The memories of before, during and just before this very moment play like a black and white movie in your mind.
Reality is untouchable and the acid in your stomach has you wrapped in knots.
The paper torn as the present is revealed, the smiles on those who gifted you, spoilt you and gave you recognition. But what of the one who never called?
You swim in the tank, you see the people watch you, so you smile, you see the eyes and you twist and turn to match.
Twister or Simon says, whichever game means we can be set free, gain accolations and be in a society that will forever harm us.
Emotions, you push them, you hide them, you cover them and like the snow on the key they seem to disappear, but what happens when you need to go home?
The key, not in sight for the grooves in it, are now filled with pain and avoidance.
The rush to move forward, to show, to prove, to distance.
The race begins, the runners secure their bibs with safety pins, it pricks your skin, you see the red blood on what you have been told in science class is your very own individual fingerprint.
You see the blood, but you do nothing, you see it drip onto the textured floor and you wipe it, discard it and continue on. One foot in front of the other, your pace quickens, your heart rate accelerates and the wind begins to blow away the tears your eyes have betrayed you with.
You are reminded of times that hurt overtook you, where movement was hard and the sheer feeling of droplets took you back to the time that consent was a word unknown.
Where the unknown address was simply letters on a page that the uniform wrote down.
Will this storm be my last? Will it consume me or will it simply pass.
Past, present but no future.
In Jesus name this shall be the last, the last touch, the last restraint, the last scream has been vocalised on the last ears to be pierced by the pain in which they inflict.
The storm may come, the clouds may darken, but your mind, your soul, and your body will forever be protected
Paths cross over no more and the pain you feel becomes agonizing. The hurt, the betrayal, the lack of love brings you nearer to the storm you see ahead.
An inventory is taken. The smile you lost arises as you see, as you recognise, you are no longer alone.
Community, a place to call home, a place to feel and be safe, to be your true self in the likeness of the one who created us.
Where you can lay on the floor and stretch while your pastor preaches the only message we should all focus on. LOVE
For it is the feeling of the lack of love that has a storm arising. But it is the creator whose very being is love.
Knowing you are lovable when a world of cruelty and judgment does its best to have you believe you are not is powerful.
And like king david it gives us joy to dance, to be free, for freedom is all we truly hope to have.
Expression, acceptance and love, hearts remain soft, accountability checked of not to harm but to protect. Guard your heart not to place walls but because a sinless king died for it and its worth so much more than rubies.
Your are worthy of a love that is not kept secret, not hidden under lamps or false pretenses.
Crown up princess, the king is calling you and it's time to take your place in a kingdom, in a community and without apology.
