4am Club

Letter to the reader

From retiring the day at 4 a.m. to reclaiming it, this journey began with a heart change. No longer driven by the dollar, but by the One who made me, I’ve traded empty pursuits for purpose and the breath of life

We see them 
as society's delinquents, 
humanity barely in human form, 
escapism of a reality 
they have created for themselves. 

The party to be their lifeline 
on the sinking ship, 
yet the captains hat atop 
their own heads?

Unfelt. 

As their helplessness serges 
them into another 
spiral 
all in the name of 
a good time 

Each weekend 
a life of another awakens 
within their body 
and as the sunrises each sunday 
with only a few hours 
left up their sleeves, 
or something 
resembling rat poison or CD cleaner 
to give them another 24 hours 
of barely conscious living.

This is the world I became a part of, 
my comfort, 
my normal. 
Where we sit in cold rooms, 
bars and clubs 
talking about life's purpose 
and how we all came to be. 

We judge others behavior 
while completely excusing our own 
debaucherous ways 
and pat ourselves on the head 
all while our bodies are working 
overtime to look after us 
while we inhale 
alcohol and other substances, 
all in the name of networking.

We deem a successful night 
a handful of numbers 
that will ultimately bring us back 
to the very place 
we left only to go to 
our own corners of the world 
and recover.

Sitting in a steam room 
sweating out the toxins 
of the last 
Twelve
Twenty-four
Forty Eight
even seventy two hours 
while mentally replaying 
the events of an evening 
costing you more 
of your soul 
& youth.

Little girl, what will you do with your plunder?

Louis Vuitton, 
Gucci 
&Prada won't do. 

Let's look at investments, 
properties, 
& other ‘smart ways’ 
to use this money.

It cost a part of your soul 
but it was worth it 
wasn’t it little girl?

A few days of dissociation 
for a month's salary.

The lifestyle of the 4am club 
is one I know all too well, 
took part in
& trained others in. 

Work ethic and motivation 
to make stacks 
has never been something 
I have found hard.

Success in my hustle 
and pride in being the best 
has always been a strength. 

For such a world 
in which we are raised 
to worship the success 
of an S pierced with a capital
‘I’ for it is I 
who should rule 
such a life 
yet the dollar 
is what steers my boat.

So what am I to do 
when they become my weakness?

But little girl who will love you now?

How will you be independent in your travels?

All fears I am facing, 
all words that surround 
my mind, 
almost every minute.

The change 
I have taken 
can only be one 
of someone diagnosed 
with insanity.

But wasn’t Jesus ridiculed, 
trailed 
and hung 
for proclaiming his space 
in the world 
as the son of God?

How is it that he 
can die 
for human sins 
and I sit here 
in panic 
about the role change
I have taken?

Little girl, can you stop being so fearful?

You are fierce in your stride, 
power runs through your veins 
and you will now be able 
to grow 
without the chains
restricting you 
of all
you are destined to be.

I am now entering 
a 4am club 
that is foreign to me. 

One that gets me up 
in the mornings 
to hear the birds, 
to feel the sheets on my toes, 
to understand 
what it is to associate 
once more.

Little girl you are coming back to life. 

Do you feel the breath of life, 
the oxygen 
with so much more than C02 in it?

You do not need to 
protect yourself anymore. 
You can breathe 
and you can feel the keys under your fingers, 
the fabric on your body.

The kiss of someone 
who will love you 
and shows you they care.

For so long 
I have not felt, 
I have not had breath 
in my lungs 
or a song in my heart. 

I have been a robot 
and I have been so broken.

Little girl welcome home.